“ I walked a mile with Pleasure;She chatted all the way; But left me none the wiser,For all she had to say. I walked a mile with Sorrow; And ne’er a word said she; But,oh! The things I learned from her,When Sorrow walked with me.”Robert Browning Hamilton
Oh! This is so true! Sometimes I feel like I have walked ten miles with sorrow and yet when I hear other people stories, I am left speechless. But then, this is not a story about other people. It’s about me and my journey of discovery and I would be remiss to negate my own walk,my own sorrow.
For so long, I thought I could never really be happy. Oh sure, I had those moments where I would laugh at a joke,where the sun on my skin would make me smile,where the comfort of family washed away some memories but we all know that midnight hour,alone in bed,where all the memories come rushing back and with it the pain of promises broken,hopelessness and despair.
I went through a heartbreak that defined relationships for me. You know when you truly love someone and you believe that someone loves you as well,only to receive a slap that it was all a lie. A lie that you willingly participated in. I should have seen all the signs but I will have to admit that I was foolish. And yet still, I can not blame the person because then, we were insecure and immature children. We acted the best way we knew how to then. Hahahaha, I can say that now but then, ooohhhh I was heartbroken. I was furious and if I am being honest, my pride was shattered.
I wish I could say I was a quick study and I got over it very fast but it wasn’t. It was a pain that gnawed at my heart,broke my spirit and it took years for me to deal with it. I was of the school of ‘sweep it under the rug and forget about it’ and we all know that school spews out dysfunctional graduates who appear to be fully functional but within us, we are dying slowly by slowly. My perspective of life and love was changed with just this one encounter. I changed from a happy go lucky person to a cold isolated person. I thought I was ‘protecting’ myself but what I really did was put up walls that were difficult for anyone else to get through- including myself. I was a broken shell of myself.
“So,put me on your wheel now! Spin me around,spin me around. Place me in your flame now,Until you see through me and I’m ready to come out.And all that was broke,it won’t be broken after this. No! Not after this! And all that was dead is finding life again and a true friend,That so happens to be a potter.“Potter and Friend~Dante Bowe
You are waiting for me to say that I am completely healed,right? Wrong!! When circumstances happen in your life, circumstances that are life changing,they take time to heal. Time many of us don’t want to go through. We always wish it can be a quick fix. I wished it could be a quick fix. I’d wake up one day and bam!! I am healed. No it doesn’t work like that. And you know what-I am now ok with that. I am bringing down the walls,brick by brick and I truly believe that I will one day write here that I am healed and the scars have faded and all that’s left are the lessons- the beautiful lessons that I can take to my next relationship but for now, the potter is still at work. I am the clay. That’s who I am. This is me!