I woke up with so many emotions today. I mean it is a Friday and I know many people are enamoured with Fridays. Everyone going TGIF! But this day, I woke up with very many emotions-wishing I could just burrow deep into my blankets and forget about the day. It was Emotions Galore
There was so much to do. Proposals to send, Accounts to be cleared, Articles to write and this blog post to get done. This month May is all about Mental Health Awareness and I decided to dedicate all my blog posts of the month to it.
What I did not realise was that I would be digging up a lot of the past hurts and traumas that I had healed from but let’s be real. The scars are still there and sometimes they twinge.
“But pain’s like water. It finds a way to push through any seal. There’s no way to stop it. Sometimes you have to let yourself sink inside of it before you can learn how to swim to the surface.”Katie Kacvinsky
I came across an Instagram post by The holistic psychologist. This truly is what has inspired the flow of this months series. She talked about the stages of healing. We all know that we need to understand that,especially as we try to heal from our hurts and trauma but it is not as easy as 1,2,3 A B C…..
Mental Health is more than what we think it is. It is so much more. World Health Organisation states “Mental health is a state of well-being in which an individual realizes his or her own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively, and is able to make a contribution to his or her community.”
WHO stresses that mental health is “more than just the absence of mental disorders or disabilities.” Peak mental health is about not only avoiding active conditions but also looking after ongoing wellness and happiness.
They also emphasize that preserving and restoring mental health is crucial on an individual basis, as well as throughout different communities and societies the world over.
My default response to challenges is to become a tortoise. You know that thing of one just pulling back from life and hiding within a shell where no one can reach you. Yeah that is or was- well, I guess I am still in the healing stages of dealing with that.
I did not even realize that it was still there until something kinda shook me this morning and I went back into that shell. I did not want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be alone ,listening to sad songs of the 90’s. It took a friend calling to just say Hi! and making me talk. You guys, sometimes we entertain angels unaware. It is a real thing!! This friend opened my eyes and I realised that ,”Oh no, I did it again!” Well, I am still a work in progress!
When something traumatic or hurtful happens to you, it is easy to try to push it away because we do not want to deal with it but what happens when you simply can not sweep it under the rug like always? This happened to me many many years ago when a guy I liked and was dating- ok I am not even sure we were dating- yeah it was a situationship! Why do we always see this afterwards? When you are in it, you think it is love! Foolishness just!!
Anyway, I had garnered some courage to tell this gentleman about my health issues and he was so supportive. Oh my goodness, he was so supportive. I thought he was the answer to my prayers. Wow! Little did I know!! So,one day he calls me and says that we need to break up because I am a curse and he can not be with me because he did not want to be cursed as well. He even quoted for me Deuteronomy 28. I hadn’t even read it. So when I rushed to read it, I thought Oh my goodness, this is what this guy has all along thought of me. You guys, I died. Many many deaths!! So very many! I do not even remember getting into the car and driving to my friend’s place in my Pj’s. All I remember is entering her bed and wailing. Emotions Galore! And there I stayed for the remainder of the day.
I had been dealing with major self esteem and depression issues before him. Dealing with suicidal thoughts and yes, also prescription addiction so when he said this, I was thrown off the deep end. I had started healing or so I thought. So now, I thought to myself, “Oh well, guess the Valium was coming back out.” I did not want to deal with all the pain and emotions and life. I just did not want to deal so I thought I would take these small little pills which will calm me down and bring forth the blissful sleep that I so needed.
It is terrible to be awake at night with nothing but the chirping of the birds and the occasional barking of the neighbourhood dogs to keep you company. But what is worse is the feeling of shame that dodges your every footstep. The immense shame of not being worthy of anything including love and belonging.
That encompassing shame of knowing that you are nothing- you are not seen, you are not heard. You are just a blight on this universe. It was not the truth but that is what I felt. And because of that, I could not even defend myself. I looked at my past,at my struggles and I could not scream,” No, I am not my story. I am much more!!” I couldn’t do that. I too felt that maybe he was right. Maybe He said out aloud what I was afraid to say. Maybe I am a curse!
Set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you, That every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes, He did
Bless the Broken Road- Rascal Flatts
Dealing with the shame
I know you are saying that I should have been a strong girl. I shouldn’t have made the words of one man put me down. Believe me, I told myself the same but it doesn’t quite work like that when you stuck in this whirling mass of depression, having gotten out of one before. I shouldn’t have entered a relationship having not sorted myself and that was definitely on me. But you see, I thought I was fine. But well, I wasn’t…..
The Holistic Psychologist describes the first stage of healing as The Stage of Shock, Shame and Despair. This is the beginning of awakening to the conditioned self. An understanding of our own conditioning, patterns and behaviours that change life as we know it, facing ourselves is confronting and can bring up challenging emotions.
Well the emotions welled up galore!! That situation made me realise that I needed to sort Patricia out before all else. I needed to deal with my own perceptions of myself. I needed to come to terms with the real me,the true me and I was the only person who could do that.
To realise that inspite of all that I have been through, I am and always will be worthy of love. Sometimes it takes a hard hit like that to realise that. Soon enough I began “Operation Miseducation of Patricia.” This operation had one and only one goal: To clear the mind, heart and spirit of the nonsense Patricia had allowed to seep in. To wipe the slate clean and start all over again……..
TUNE IN NEXT WEEKEND FOR PART TWO OF THIS FIVE PART SERIES: We shall be delving into finding hope and deeper awareness!! I know it’s hard but it is possible!
So how do you deal with your shame? With Emotions Galore? Let’s #BreakTheSilence and pop over to the comments section and we get this conversation started